Bipolar

It's been officially over two weeks since I've been here and the pace is going to pick up pretty fast. This is all gonna be over before I know it. And then I'll wonder if it ever even happened.

So overall I'm enjoying this experience a lot, but I have to admit I've been pretty bipolar since I've been here. A lot of it has to deal with personal issues, but a good portion of it is dependent on whether or not I'm drenched in sweat and whether or not I'm being harassed by tigeres (the name for creepy men who think women are their playtoys). So basically I tend to be in a good mood when I'm on campus or inside my house or something, but as soon as I walk outside, I sweat bullets and get harassed non-stop. This is also why I've started waking up at 5 or 6am every morning to go running because it's the only time the creeps aren't out, and for those of you who know me well, you know I would never wake up that early unless I had no other option. I was talking to Elaine about all this earlier (she's the super awesome director of the program) and she gave me some advice, but it's going to be really hard for me to get used to. I hate being passive about it. Usually I start off by ignoring the first few men, then i get really angry and usually flip off a few people, but after multiple men honking their horns, staring incessantly with hungry eyes (sometimes i feel violated just by the way they stare at me), hissing, and yelling obscenities, i start to feel resigned, defeated, and powerless. Maybe that's what they want. Women to feel powerless. It's hard for me to understand and it makes me really sad, especially when boys who look about 7 years old start imitating the older men. Yes, I've been hissed at by men of all ages, from 7 years to about 70 years old. There is always at least one part of the day where I end up going through this sequence of feelings when i walk outside--happy, then i get yelled at and at first im passive, then aggressive, and then feel defeated and drained of all my fight. And I end up in such a bad mood and all I can think is "fuck this godforsaken country and everyone in it!" I know I shouldn't let it get to me so much and I'm trying, but it's not easy and it's not something I want to "get used to". I know I can't really do anything about it though. Maybe I'm being culturally insensitive or something, but I can tolerate many different beliefs and customs, just not this one. And I don't hate the country and everyone in it, I just get in that mood sometimes (well usually once every day haha). There are a lot of things I love and hate about the DR.

Love: my host family, my university, my professors, the people in my program, the support students, some cool dominicans i've met, the nightlife, the exchange rate =P , the beaches, the environment, the organizations, the fact that i walked into a bathroom one night and ended up getting a mini make-over by another woman who decided she needed to do my hair and makeup, the people (except for the tigeres), the kids, the communities, the culture, the food (well, not all of it, i'll make a post just dedicated to food one of these days, and i've decided not to be veggie here), the traditions, etc. too many things to list.

Hate: the constant harassment, the humidity, the double-standards on women, the incredible socio-economic class differences, the racism, the pollution, the crazy drivers who just barely missed running me over yesterday, the government.

So it's a mezcla of love and hate. I just needed to vent a little about the whole tigere thing because it was driving me nuts earlier. I'm all good now though, but I know the cycle will start again tomorrow. I think I would be enjoying myself so much more if that aspect was not included.

Bueno, other than that I'm doing really well. I just found out yesterday that I'm working with an organization called "Fundación Cuidado Infantil Dominicano" which in english is roughly "Dominican foundation for infant care" or something like that. It's actually not just about infant care anymore, they just never changed their name. I'm working there with my friend Lexa from Clark, but we're in different programs in the organization. I'm working in the PITS program (prevention of STDs) and I'm not 100% sure what my role will be, but this week and next week I am basically shadowing "my people" and watching what they do and how it all works, and then I will become more integrated. They mainly do visits to the communities and they work with what are probably the top 3 largest and poorest ghettos in Santiago. We'll be doing house visits and holding community meetings to teach a curriculum regarding the prevention of STDs. We will also be doing research and collecting survey data and doing office work. I'll be working on my own research project that is related to the topic and I will eventually add my own extension to the program based on my results.

I'll be going to my organization at least 3 days a week for 3 hours, but that will most likely increase as the semester goes on. I'm SOOOOO EXCITEDDD! This week my group in the PITS program is doing some office work and curriculum planning, so there isn't much for me to do yet, so I'll be going around and observing other aspects of the organization in order to get a better idea of what they do as a whole. I can't wait to see everything and get started in my program!!! I know there will be a lot of challenges especially with the communities I'll be working in, but as we are continually told, "guilt is a useless emotion". It's hard to remember this and stick to it, but i know I have to because it's reality, it's life, and right now I just need to focus on dealing with people as people and not as things to be pitied. This weekend I was hanging out at the monument at night with some friends (the monument is the highest point in the city center and is there to recognize the heroes of the restoration) and a man walked up to us asking for money so he could go to the hospital. His showed us his arm. His humerus bone was completely snapped in half and part of the bone was sticking out. One day jsut walking around I saw two legless people and someone whose leg was completely dislocated sideways. But these are normal images. There is only one public hospital in Santiago and it's always packed and many people don't have the money to be treated. Also, the nearby city Puerta Plata doesn't have a hospital, so they all flood into the Santiago one. It's so sad and frustrating, but it's reality, it's life.



Well, even though this was kind of a negative/depressing entry, trust me when I say I am having an amazing time here! I just needed a space to vent about the bad stuff, sorry guys. I'm sooo psyched to start with my organization tomorrow! This weekend we went out and explored the vibrant nightlife in Santiago and it was really fun. We danced some bachata and merengue and went to a discoteca. Compared to Dominican women though, I feel superrr underdressed even in my nicer clothes. They're always super fancy. That girl in the bathroom who gave me the mini make-over was probably thinking "ay dios mio, she needs help, she can't go out looking like that!" I think I should go shopping soon...haha. This weekend I also finally caught up on some sleep, only to start losing it again today, but it's okay, I'm having fun, who needs sleep anyway? Although, I do go to bed much earlier here. It's almost 10pm and I'm about to crash any second. I'm starting to get used to the farm animal noises at night, but I'm not quite there.

I think I need to have different entries for different themes instead of writing about everything in one post, I can't believe how long this got. I bet no one is even reading this far lol. Oh well, if nothing it's good for my personal sanity. Next post will be shorter, I SWEAR! =P Love you all and hope everything is going great wherever in the world you may be!

Paz y amor,
~Aysha~